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  • Writer's picturePaul Kilgour

Round Trip #10 Nordhavn

Friday 28 May 2021

We've been to see the Vet.

Ringo: What do you mean "we’ve been to see the vet”? It's me that gets yanked and prodded.

Me: Well you’re the one that’s gone raj bongo!

Ringo: I have not. I’m perfectly sound of mind. It’s a conspiracy I tell you. You’re out to get me.

Me: We wouldn’t do that.

Ringo: You stuck me in that cage.

Me: It's to keep you safe.

Ringo: I was already safe. Here.

Me: It had a nice blanket in it and everything.

Ringo: I peed on it.

Me: Yes, the taxi driver noticed.

Ringo: Well what do you expect? I was traumatised.

Me: You were traumatised? Look at the trauma we suffer just looking after you. It would have been easier having a couple of kids!

Ringo: She stuck that thing up my bum!

Me: To take your temperature.

Ringo: I'm going to sue for sexual misconduct.

Leaving Ringo behind to sulk, scratch furniture, poo on my pillow, let's go and catch the train. There might be more boats. Don't tell anyone.

So, Nordhavn. What can I say? Former free port on the eastern coast of Copenhagen given over to developers to turn into the expected jumbled mess. There's an old silo, let's convert it into apartments. And it's round. We love round buildings, they're so practical! And there's another gap, put a building there, and another one over there. Let's make them all very boring to look at, and generically similar. Grey and brown brick should do the job. Shops? We need shops? Didn't think of that. Planning? Who needs it, we got this. The artists impressions look lovely though, so that's alright.

Right, rant over, let's find something to photograph. Maybe somewhere that has yet to be blessed by the developers and town planners. Yes, apparently there are town planners. Probably on sabbatical.

Pretending that a very small space is in fact, a large space seems to be a trend at the moment. Now I know this has been going on for years in the housing market - for 'shoe box/cupboard' read: 'Bijou and compact'. "A former coal crane in Copenhagen now offers a unique and exclusive hotel, spa, meeting and event experience", it says. A coal crane. Even Ringo would find it cramped. Likewise The Kaj Hotel, a one room shed on the water in Holmen, and a former control tower on Knippels Bro. Small is beautiful, apparently, as long as you don't want to bend your legs. Or take a dump in private.

Just around the corner is premier local night spot: Dokken. Venue to a thousand corporate Summer/Christmas parties - yes, that kind of place - the sort of thing you really don't want to attend, but the pressure is too much, so you go anyway, get horribly bladdered, embarrass yourself by throwing up in front of everyone/chatting up the boss’s wife/sharting whilst doing the boat rowing thing to 'Oops Upside Your Head', or all of them. Finally you are ejected after dropping your trousers during your big finish in the team building karaoke competition, mooning the audience/your boss/the Police in the process before being escorted away in handcuffs, trousers around your ankles. This generally results in you a) avoiding everyone at work for the next month, or b) looking for a new job/girlfriend/life. Also apparently, highlight of the Earth Wind & Fire world tour 2021. How the mighty have fallen.

And there's that troll again! People say he's cute, but I watched Trollhunter the other night, and that is a funny definition of 'cute'.

There's a park out in the middle of nowhere. Why? And there seems to be no obvious way in. After that we reach the ferry terminals where marauding hordes of tourists disembark. Except, you know, Covid. And it's 1.5km from the designated Metro Station. So f**k them!

On the way back to where we started is the big blue shiny Copenhagen International School. How to keep an eye on your school kids? Stick them in the middle of nowhere. Prisoners get better treatment.

In the next exciting instalment: possibly a beach! Possibly with people on it, though not if I can help it. And more boats. Unfortunately.

Weather: Just short of sweaty

Reflections: Dust, and more dust!

Coffee: None because, you know.

Distance: 12.43km

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